Sometimes you find it impossible to do today’s work, because you’re way to busy clearing up yesterday’s mess. The trials of this week’s task, gloriously entertaining as they were, felt like coming home late from a great night out, only to realise that you still need to put out the bins for collection in the morning. As the weeks go by, we are finding out so much more about the remaining would-be apprentices – whether it be in the show itself, or by viewing juicy columns and online gossip. It’s also true that as we become more invested in the show and speculate about the possible winner, we can read between the lines and sometimes know more than we want to, ahead of schedule. For example the lengthy interview with Lorraine confessing to a swinger’s lifestyle, almost certainly tells us that she is not currently beavering away at Amstrad House, awaiting the final task showdown. And so to week number six; the end of the first half of the series. Six have so far gone at weekly intervals, nine still to go at more of a clip.
The Task: Pantsman himself answered the phone, receiving instructions for the teams to gather at a London auction room. Firstly the Sugarman jiggles the teams again, and appoint the Project Leaders. Ignite: Phillip PM, Kate, Lorraine, Howard, Mona. Empire: Ben PM, Noorul, Yasmina, Debra, James. He explains that each team will be given an identical stock of items which must be sold for the greatest profit. DING DING DING! It’s that word again. Except this time, they wouldn’t be told the value of the products to be traded. It wasn’t explicit, but clearly they needed to appraise the relative values, move the stuff on, and see a little daylight on the deal. This part, everyone missed completely. As was pointed out on “You’re Fired” by Hilary Kay, there was no punishment for not selling an item, as no money had been lost. If they’d had the presence of mind to, someone could have worked out that they could even sit in the greasy cafe all day, sell nothing and still not make a loss. As it turns out, that tactic would have won the task outright. Sometimes in business, this is precisely the tactic to take – sit tight, don’t make a loss, and only sell when a profit is clear. That said, it wouldn’t have made good telly, and Sir Alan may have had something to say about it.
So what did they have to sell, I hear you ask? In no particular order, a skeleton, some books (including a first edition Ian Fleming novel of Octopussy), a bike, a Persian type rug, a Victorian commode, some shoes etc etc. Not all of it was a “load of old toot”, but the teams blithely decided that getting rid of the most items was the only way to go. Certainly the Team Leaders quickly became panic merchants, bereft of any lateral thinking. True to form, only Lorraine seemed to grasp the notion of selling for profit, and that the rug and shoes were probably quite valuable. Shot down by Phillip, she wisely claimed her brownie point, and let it lie. Another brick to hit Phillip with, when the time comes. To cut a long story short, they all did miserably, exemplified by Phillip selling the rug to an inebriated man on a street corner. Ben again showed his arrogance, even to complete strangers, when a shop owner offered him a Fiver to go away. A good salesman would have taken that deal. In fact I’d have offer Ben considerably more, to do one!
The Boardroom: They all know enough by now to be afraid, very afraid. Sure the past 5 weeks have mainly been clearing out the dead wood, but a mistake now could see a serious contender feeling the full force of the finger of fate (Ed. That’s enough of that!). Only Noorul and Mona have properly shown themselves to be lightweights, and luckily each team had either as a fall guy. Lorraine has learned Phillip’s trick of supporting the PM, when asked, but when pressed had to admit he was rubbish. By this point, she had been vindicated, and given the moniker of the team’s Cassandra – in that she always calls it right, but is never believed. Big props to the speccy swinger. In the reckoning however, Ignite lost £34, and Empire lost a whopping £169. Mona was surely the most relieved person in the room. Again, selling nothing, and breaking even, would have won the task. To the winners, a top treat, tasting truffles (aren’t they the purple coconut bars, coated in chocolate?). To the losers, a front seat at the inquisition. “So Ben, who are you bringing back for a potential firing?”. After a few moments prevaricating, Ben decides on Noorul and James. “WHAT?” cries James, accompanied by the face which asks the others to be just as shocked. Quick as a flash, Ben takes the temperature of the room, and changes his mind to Debra. Actually choosing James would have been fine, if he just wanted to focus on Noorul as the only no-hoper in Sir Alan’s sights. What he did show, was that he is easily influenced, and not a man of conviction. As PM, he should have made this decision long before now. And so to taking out the trash. After the obligatory shouting match, SAS raised his hand, extended a single digit, bared his gnashers and declared “Noorul, you’re fired!”
PS. In my view, only Mona remains, of the candidates I was never happy with. I am chuffed that of the six I had predicted to be fired first, four have now gone. In fact, of my first six, only Mona and Ben have survived longer than this point. I’m confident this will soon be rectified.
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