Honey, seaweed, essential oils – no this wasn’t another catering task; the project this week centred around the kind of products that most of these sacrificial lambs know only too intimately. Moreover, this was the week when the chess club accidentally beat the good looking popular kids. The plot resembled that of a sugary teen-movie to see who would be homecoming queen.
For the first time, Sir Alan picked as the Project Leaders, two who had hitherto been in the shadows, and then proceeded to mix up the teams as follows. (Is anyone still in their original team?)
Empire – Paula, Kate, James, Yazz, Ben, Debs.
Ignite – Noorul, Mona, Kimber, Philip, Howard, Lorraine.
The Task: In the space of 3 days, to make and sell two new bath and beauty products. Using natural ingredients they must create a distinctive brand identity that will make their products stand out from the competition. The judging criteria for this task, lies entirely upon the profit generated. Now as we saw in the catering task, that means they will not be penalised for a low quality product, so long as they see some daylight on the deal. “Strike while the iron’s freezing cold” seemed to be Noorul’s motto when, as quick as a flash, he got down to some serious vacillation, and “thinking about it”. This seemed to infect his team members, as they could decide whether to get on with it, or to let him dig his own grave. As it turned out, all their efforts to fail abysmally on all fronts were to be in vain. Let’s run through the catalogue of catastrophes they conspired to compile (alliteration, don’t you know). Disgustingly watery shower gel, gloopy honey soap, arguments over the Honey I’m Home branding, environmental hazard costumes in rush hour London that was emblematic of a sales effort in disarray. Despite all this, and the director’s misdirection, they actually turned in a decent profit, due to spending only tuppence ha’penny on manufacturing their product.
By way of contrast, the beautiful (in their own eyes especially) team produced two terrific products that looked and smelt lovely. They should, as the cost of their ingredients was more valuable per ounce than gold. As soon as the camera lingered on the sandalwood, it was clear that this would feature strongly, and extravagantly. Given that they would be selling to the public in the street, developing a product that was genuinely good, was never important. That said, they had no idea they’d be spending £700 on the oils, and not the £5 budgeted for. The sacking moment this week, was when Nick Hewer revealed this to the Empire team, who’s collective jaws fell slack, and time seemed to stand still. I swear I saw some tumbleweed blow past. In unison they then seemed to be thinking “who can I blame this on?” To the selling – the editing portrayed a magnificent and compelling sales effort, where they entranced the street cafe customers so easily, that were able to raise their prices and sell with ease. In a final flourish, they successfully traded the remaining stock for a good price. How could they possibly fail after all that?
The Boardroom: But fail they did. Before they even revealed the results Ben got his recriminations in early, whereas Philip nobly said he “enjoyed working with Noorul”. A euphemism, if ever I heard one. The results were stark; Ignite, a profit of £493.97. Empire a LOSS of £68.04. No one was more surprised than this week’s luckiest man, Noorul, who snatched victory from the jaws of certain defeat. Given the seriousness of the vital costing decision, Paula had no choice but to bring back Yazz and Ben for the Final Act. She had indeed delegated costing to Ben, but critically, didn’t leave that ticking bomb in his hands, as he would surely have done with her. Ben fought his corner, Yazz backed him up, and our flame-haired Brummie HR Manager found herself on the wrong end of Sir Alan’s jabbing finger. “Paula, you’re fired!”
Lastly, as this is a show about applying for a dream job, my favourite Brummy joke.
A brummie goes for a job interview wearing a polyester shirt, bright flares and big boots.
The interviewer says “All you need now is a kipper tie.”
The brummie replies “That would be luvloy, two sugars, ploise.”
Tags: 2009, Paula, Series 5, The Apprentice
Entries (RSS)
lol great article man. Really enjoyed reading it